I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
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me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Worst Native American name ever.