Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Tell me you get it…🤣
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…