[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
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*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Netflix and you sit over there.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
i will not be silenced
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock