I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
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Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Twitter fine art
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic