Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.