When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
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“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
superman landing like a plane on his belly
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.