My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
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I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
the clam before the storm
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-