Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
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Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Cinematography is my passion
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Body by sandwich.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me