ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
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I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
I need to update my racial profile.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts