Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
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This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)