[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
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[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
this is the best day of my life