if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
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What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
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It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.