Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
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Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
I need a headline like this
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.