Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
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Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
What flavor cupcake are these
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
absolutely not
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself