When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
You Might Also Like
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
What my back needs
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.