*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
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good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
You better watch out
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.