i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
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I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Running your mouth is not cardio.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all