I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
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HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Did…did a minotaur write this
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.