My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
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I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.