When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
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*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
some cats are just doing for fun!
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party