Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
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Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?