They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
classic mixup
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.