My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
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request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?