I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
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if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
(more comics:
see you in hell you stupid fruit
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.