I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
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If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.