Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
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*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Legend 🤣🤣
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Are you ok, human???
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.