On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
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The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!