This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
I’m being attacked 😭
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You wish you had this many chins.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”