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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.