Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
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My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship