My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Happy thanksgiving
For the ones in the back.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little