A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
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SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.