The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
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Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
this is how life feels
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie