Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
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I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough