love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
that colleague who touches your screen
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches