If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
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My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?