Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
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Wait a second…
PARKOUR
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
And now we wait
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
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“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri