My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
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Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”