so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
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[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”