My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
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I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?