“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
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My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?