Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
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You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.