ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
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When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.