Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
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I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
You’re the water to my grease fire.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.