A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
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[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming