my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”