Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
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You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
me refusing to leave twitter
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.