“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
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bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.