Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
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2 years later
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place