Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
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[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
He’s cranky this morning
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
This came to me in a dream.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess